FATHER'S DAY AND FATHERLESS CHILDREN

by Jim and Ed Gogek

Father's Day in America is still time to buy Dad a new necktie. But this year it's become a time of national introspection, a time to examine why fathers are so important and to ask why there are so few of them. Today nearly 40 percent of American children live apart from their fathers, and the fastest-growing group is those who have never had a father in the home.

Many experts are pinpointing fatherlessness as the root of our nation's most pressing social problems, particularly crime, gangs and teenage pregnancy. Boys who grow up without fathers are more likely to end up in prison, or addicted to drugs and alcohol. Girls from these homes are more likely to get pregnant as teenagers and to raise fatherless children themselves.

Growing up fatherless causes immense emotional problems for many kids, according to the director of California's Department of Social Services, Eloise Anderson, who's hosting a conference on fatherhood this summer.

According to Anderson, boys from these homes "really struggle to figure out what the role of father is, what the role of male is, and have real problems figuring out what their response to the world should be." Since there are no men at home to learn from, they look elsewhere.

The first place is television. On TV and in the movies geared toward teens, admirable men are almost always tough, violent, responsible to no one, and single. Married men are usually buffoons no one would want to emulate. It's either Bruce Willis or Al Bundy.

Of course, having a real father at home balances out this warped depiction of masculinity. But in his absence, TV rules.

Of course, one thing television can't do is relate back to these kids. Anyone who has spent time around fatherless boys has seen how quickly they attach themselves to any man who pays attention to them. According to author Robert Bly, young men have almost a biological need to be seen and admired by older men. They can get this from teachers or men in the neighborhood, if they see enough of them, but too often gangs are there when no other men are. Gangs are full of boys looking for a father.

Girls from these homes have similar problems. Many still want the love, affection and acceptance they needed from a father. But they look out at the world and see only one way to get male affection—sex.

What's more, Anderson says, "fathers tend to be the gatekeepers for men dating their daughters. Mothers don't do as well." Girls without fathers are more likely, as teens, to date a man who is irresponsible or simply too old for them. All this is a set-up for teenage pregnancy.

Children who lose a father to divorce and never have a close relationship at least have some image of what a father is, even if it's a negative image. The reason for divorce is often dad's violence, neglect or drug use. If that's all a young boy sees, that's how he will view manhood.

Adding to the problem for boys is the anger many single moms feel toward the man who left them, or who they had to throw out. They might denigrate the absent father in front of the child, resent the son who looks like and reminds them of the man who's gone, or even scream at a boy, "You're just like your father." What she's telling her son is that men are rotten human beings. Hearing that long enough, he starts to believe it. And if he thinks being a man means using violence and abandoning his family, that's what he'll do.

Fatherlessness is self-perpetuating. Boys without dads don't learn to stay married or stay committed to their children. Girls find the wrong men and end up as divorced or never-married single moms.

To Eloise Anderson, the answer to this problem is contained in the title of her upcoming conference: Celebrating Fatherhood.

The role of father has traditionally been seen very narrowly as protecting the family and bringing in money. But according to David Blankenhorn, author of Fatherless America, this tradition only goes back a century or so, and during that whole time fatherhood has been on the decline. For thousands of years prior to the industrial revolution, mothers and fathers shared equally in providing for the family and in raising the children.

Today's social problems of crime, gangs and teenage pregnancy are not caused by too few men in the workplace. They're caused by too few men in the home. As a society, we should stop labeling fathers only as breadwinners, who then feel driven out of the home when they are unemployed. What we're learning is that a man's role in caring for children really is just as important as a woman's role.

The message this Father's Day should be more than a card and a necktie. And even more than saying we love you. The message this Father's Day should be that we've forgotten how much we really need you.

Jim Gogek is an editorial writer and columnist for the San Diego Union-Tribune. Ed Gogek, M.D., is a Phoenix, AZ psychiatrist who works in community mental health.